Week 50: Umami – Mushroom Parmesan Pizza

I’ve been hoping for a pizza assignment like this since I first began this challenge. Umami is an attractive force in my food world with tomatoes ruling the majority of my cravings. While tomato finds its way into the sauce here, mushrooms are the focal point of this pizza.


Shiitake and crimini mushrooms, while making up the whole of the toppings, remain just a portion of the umami bomb that was dropped.


Tomato snuck in with a hearty rendition of my usual sauce. Parmesan was shaved over top.


Oh and then a quick spritz of black truffle salt, a drizzle of white truffle oil and then a dash of MSG just for kicks.


Fearing another salt overload as seen in last week’s pizza, I added a moderate amount of salt and chose to apply truffle salt to each individual slice.


Then I ate the whole pizza.


With a good burgundy nearby, this is not a difficult feat.


Week 49: Spanish Tapas – Boquerones Pizza

Anchovies were once so repellant to my sensibilities that I ate caesar salads sans dressing for many dumb years. Servers would repeat my order back to me in disbelief and only now do I understand why: caesar dressing is fucking delicious.

Shockingly, I came around to anchovies some time in my adulthood for seemingly no reason at all, and not just in their invisible form as salad seasoning. Like soon turned into love and I found myself slamming strips of anchovies with an accompaniment crispy sage or parmesan.

Staring down this week’s tapas challenge, I couldn’t resist but to do as ninja turtles do and put some damn anchovies on some damn pizza. And it began with some flash marinating.


Parsley and garlic were chopped up for some classic accompaniment.


White anchovies were marinated in champagne vinegar and olive oil for an hour.


The marinade was sufficient enough to provide a base for the pizza. Parmesan finished the pizza before the super hot oven hugs ensued.


The oblong shape was designed to provide tapas-sized pizza bites in the final presentation.


More parmesan and parsley helped spruce up the pizza tapas before they met with their hot sherry date for the evening.


Lustau’s “Papirusa” Manzanilla was a dry and saline style of sherry that tamed the inherent saltiness of this pizza. Even with its presence, it was hard to ignore what a nightmare this pizza was to eat despite no additional salt. Please think twice before trying this style at home because I’m certainly never making this again.


Week 46: Underused Equipment – Heirloom Cherry Tomato & Spiralized Zucchini Pizza

No amount of salt on my keychain can make up for the shame I bring to Alton Brown fandom when I admit to having a spiralizer tucked neatly into my kitchen drawers. This week’s challenge has forced me to dust it off and transform the clunky contraption into a useful pizza-making tool. Here we go.


Of all things worth spiralizing, zucchini seems a choice decision, if only for their general neutrality in both taste and texture. They’re also rarely found on the pizzasomm pizzas of 2016, which has deemed their spiralization a worthy task.


For once, janky week-old zucchinis were able to escape refrigerator death by means of a glorious pizza bath.


Not only did they escape eventual rot, but they looked good doing so. Just feast your eyes on those curls.


Likewise, the sauce was concocted from dying fridge items, such as chive cream cheese, cottage cheese & homemade whipped garlic. A bit of basil and goat cheese were added for funsies. Cream, champagne vinegar and lemon olive oil brought in some pizzazz while also turning the goop into a more sauce-like consistency.


The construction was simple and satisfying. More could be added for complexity if desired but the flavors were clean and fresh expressions of themselves.


What a beaut. A scrumptious one, too.


White Bordeaux offers the grassy, herbaceous quality needed to match that in the pizza while also letting the flavors of the pie speak for themselves.


While the use of the spiralizer in my kitchen will likely not advance beyond the occasional vegetable massacre, the stage presence of the product is undeniable. Don’t be surprised to see more spirals appearing on future pizzas of mine, Alton Brown be damned.

Week 45: Pacific Islands – Kalua Pork Hawaiian Pizza

This week’s Pacific Island challenge spanned so many countries, it was surprisingly hard to stray from the enticing flavors that Hawaii offers. While Hawaiian pizza may be all too fitting for a pizza metatheme, the style actually originated in Canada, thus Kalua pork was slapped on for extra credit.


Entrusting a slow cooker with three pounds of pork shoulder led to hours of tasty aromatics roaming around the house.


In lieu of liquid smoke, I smothered the pork shoulder with a heap of smoked salt from Scotland.


Canadian bacon was substituted with actual bacon because I do what I want.


Pineapple meanwhile remained pineapple.


After a 12 hour cooking session, just a small portion of meat was pulled for topping purposes. The pork leftovers were later transformed into a week-long diet of carnitas tacos.


The pizza base was a red pie with mozzarella, as per the standard Hawaiian pizza build.


For wine, I opted to follow the “pork and pinot” pairing mantra and selected a New Zealand Pinot Noir not only for its punchy red fruit characteristic but also for the additional love tap on the Pacific Island theme, albeit sourced from the opposite end of the geographic zone.


Spy Valley was a refreshing sipper of a wine that played nicely with the pineapple sweetness but also contrasted the heaps of savory notes brought on by the pork and bacon. It also went well with carnitas tacos.

Week 44: Dehydrating – Oven-Dried Basil & Tomato Margherita Pizza

This week’s dehydrating challenge was tough to work up the courage for considering how convinced the internet is in needing to purchase a dehydrator. I said nay to this advice, opting to find a more convenient solution: the oven. While I was tempted to sun-dry tomatoes, I’ve had bad luck in recent years with bugs invading what’s mine, thus I didn’t tempt the outside world with a yummy display of sunbathing treats.


While the drying portion of the preparation was a success, I did not account for what dehydration means in the face of intense heat.


My first attempt was unfortunately a dud. An edible dud, but not a pretty one.


I took another swing at this pizza, this time with the additional challenge of dehydrating basil to complete the flavors of a classic margherita.


This time I topped my tediously watched over oven goods after the pizza had completed baking. And for a bonus dehydrating affect, all tomato sauce areas not covered by cheese experienced a level of dehydration that concentrated the flavors even further.


The spooky designs that came with desiccation seemed all too conveniently timed for the trick-or-treating season. Luckily, this pizza was more than just a halloween gimmick, it actually tasted pretty incredible for something so simple.


To draw out the juicy flavors of this pie, a 2009 Rioja accompanied each bite.


Having drawn the attention of my dearest babby, this pizza may have been devoured quicker than any other before it, making this second pie a definite win.

Week 43: French – Escargot à la Bourguignonne Pizza

As a Francophile, I too this week’s challenge was a chance to explore dishes I hadn’t yet had the courage to tackle on my own. Escargot is such a treat to find on a menu because I don’t have the means at home so I took the time to figure out just where the hell to source snails from. The answer was, as at almost always is, the internet.


The preparation I most enjoy is a classic Burgundian style featuring parsley, garlic, shallots and a ton of butter. Pernod and vermouth added extra aromatics.


The preparation is pretty simple. Lots of chopping and dicing.


A butter sauce was mixed together with plenty of parsley and salt.


The snails were so petite but there were many in one small can. I decided to load them up.


A parmesan and olive oil base was set before the traditional escargot preparation was spread over.




Another hit of parmesan to finish off the pizza and slices were ready to facilitate one of my favorite classic pairings.


Red burgundy and escargot is a top-tier pairing in my book. And it certainly didn’t fail now.


C’est bon!

Week 42: Homemade Pasta – Langostine, Beet Cavatelli, & Lemon-Poppy Seed Creme Fraiche Pizza

This week’s reddit challenge of homemade pasta was a bit of a nightmare to get through, but one worth the experience of making pasta by my onesie. While leapfrogging to a beet-flavored pasta may have been unwise considering how many new elements were already being introduced, I couldn’t resist the chance to shed one more item in the fridge so beet pasta it was.


The initial dough making seemed straightforward enough to imbue me with the confidence to tackle a brand new Kitchenaid attachment without reading the instruction manual.


My attempt at producing spaghetti seemed to be a manageable struggle, especially when compared to my macaroni attempts, which were an all out disaster. These first tries were fruitful enough to work with but for the fact that mold took hold of the pasta before the drying process could offer protection.


This is when I turned to a more traditional apparatus for pasta shaping. Cavatelli seemed to be the only shape I was capable of producing, which happened to also be a shape that was satisfying to try to perfect.


But handmade pasta isn’t an appropriate vehicle for perfection, it seems.


The pasta boiled for just a couple minutes before drained and staged for pizza.


Meanwhile, creme fraiche was enriched with lemon zest and juice to create the sauce.


While the concept of carb on carb pizza might seem ridiculous, the layering of interesting textures could be enough to make the entirety make sense.


Langoustines and poppyseed also added texture of complementing flavors.


Fresh chives made for a zippy little addition after the pizza cooked.


And while together the whole pie looks grand, the experience of consuming each piece was underwhelming, mostly due to the delicate textures of langostine and fresh pasta being marred by the intense heat of the oven. Thus, completing the final phase of nightmare pizza. Bonus: also dreamt about the nightmare pizza, thus actualizing the experience.


The one purely positive outcome of this challenge was the wine selected, Matthiasson Chardonnay. Not only was the pairing a solid match, but the wine by itself was tits. That I will highly recommend.